My story

Since the 2005 release of the band's self-titled debut CD, Flyleaf has built a name for themselves among hard rock fans everywhere. They've toured with Disturbed, Stone Sour and Three Days Grace. They've also appeared on Korn's Family Values Tour twice. Last spring, they headlined the Justice & Mercy Tour with Skillet and this summer, had their single "I'm So Sick" appear in Live Free Or Die Hard.

What were your teen years like?

 I was dealing with a lot with low self-esteem and depression, and I kind of hated myself a lot. I think that spilled over into relationships with other people. I hated everybody. So my home life was a bad situation. To get away from it, I started doing drugs when I was 13. At 16, everything came to a head. I had to move away from home because my mom and I were fighting every day. We were fighting verbally and physically. It was very violent. And so I had to move away and go live with my grandparents. When I moved there I lost the ability to use drugs like I had before. I didn't have a hook up. Along with that, I really missed my brothers and sisters. I loved them very much and had been taking care of them ever day—now, I didn't see them at all. I also lost the boyfriend I had for three years. Honestly, I lost my reason for waking up every day.

Did you go to church at all?

My grandmother went to church. She didn't force me to go to church at first, because I really didn't want to go. I was so outspoken about not believing in God. I had real problems with Christians. I hated anyone who I felt didn't know what it was like being me. Anyone who seemed to not have experienced what I did seemed naive to me. Anyone who seemed to be really happy seemed fake to me—especially Christians. They just turned me off real bad. The picture that I had seen of Christianity up to that point seemed judgmental and hypocritical. As soon as somebody would talk about being a Christian, I would challenge them immediately. I say, "Well, you believe in God, so why did this happen? And why did that happen?" And, of course, I didn't get any answers because the kids I challenged didn't know why they believed what they believed.

Were things better at your grandparents' house?

My grandmother and I would fight a lot. I was so unhappy. I decided one day to kill myself. When I came home from school the day that I was going to do it, my grandma started telling me that I needed to go to that night's Wednesday service. That, of course, didn't sit well. We got into an argument. She was mad and declared that I wasn't allowed to smoke cigarettes anymore. That was a huge thing. I yelled, "No way!" Then she kept arguing with me about how important it was to go to church. Just to get her to stop yelling, I said I would go to church.

Did you go?

Yeah, I did. At the service, the preacher started his sermon, then stopped. He said he felt that God wanted him to talk about family. So he started to talk about these messed-up families. Basically, he described my life. I was really uncomfortable and was thinking, This is a weird thing. It's just a coincidence. You have to get out of here. You need to get out of here; You need to get out of here. So, I got up and went to the door. This man, a deacon at the church, grabbed me by the arm and he says, "The Lord wanted me to speak to you. You've never known an earthly father. God will be a better father to you than an earthly father could ever be." That kind of shocked me. I was kind of frozen right there. Now, nothing the guy said made me believe in God at all, because I didn't care that I never had a dad. But the guy continued to talk. He started talking about my pain and all I'd been through. He said it in a way that I knew what he meant. It hit my heart, and my heart broke. Then he said, "Do you want this pain to go away?" And I'm like, "Of course I do." He replied: "God wants to take your pain away. Jesus died so he could take your pain himself so you wouldn't have to have pain. He forgives all your sins." He then prayed for me. I closed my eyes and I felt peace for the first time in my life. As soon as he said the word peace, I just felt it and all my burdens lifted off. I saw myself for who I was and I also felt God's love for the first time. I saw the difference between who I was and who God is, and how horrible I was. I saw all of my bad, but I felt embraced by God. It was like God was saying, "I love you just like you are. I love you with all your past, all your mistakes, your anger toward me." And all God wanted me to do was believe that he loved me. Right then, it wasn't about the things I needed to change or give up. He just wanted me to believe that he loves me. My life has changed pretty much from that day forward.

Was there a gradual process of changing your life for God?

Oh, yeah. I didn't know anything about the Bible at all. But when I started to read it, I was so hungry for the Word, and I wanted to know what the Bible really did say. When I started to read it, all the pieces fit together. However, I still did drugs. I found a lot of ways to justify what I did. But little by little, God was saying to me, "That's who you were and that's not who I want you to be. You can go that way and I'll still love you, but I have another road for you. If you go down this way and continue this life, you're not going to get all the good things I have planned for you." It was a really difficult thing, but I can tell you, the only way I could have done it was if there is a God that helped me do it. I was very selfish and very self-centered and very self-destructive.

Did your hatred for others fade?

Immediately. When that deacon prayed for me, I saw that the love I had for my boyfriend and even my family was nothing compared to God's love for me and for all of us. Seeing that God loved me despite how horrible I was made me think, Who am I to say anything about anybody else? Who am I to hate anyone if God loves me despite my stuff? The love was the thing that hit me the hardest. I felt forgiven.