My story

We were members of a nice Christian fellowship formed of four married couples. At the beginning of year 2003 I got pregnant. Soon each couple of our small fellowship was expecting a baby and our joy from that doubled.

Gradually I adapted to the fact that there was a new human being growing in me. It was emotionally very powerful. On the other hand I was slightly worried because at that time I was the only person working. My husband was studying and we had a loan. I prayed a lot to have joy from my pregnancy because I knew the baby in my belly could feel everything. From the 4th month onwards I was just rejoicing. 

One morning at the beginning of June I woke up very early and longed to go and pray by the lake which is near our house. I experienced one powerful moment when I heard the words in my heart:

„It will be a boy and he shall be evangelizing in a very simple way.’’

Since my childhood I desired to have a boy called Marek.

Four days later I had done so called big fetal morphology ultrasound, carried out in the 20th week of pregnancy. We had found a doctor via Association the Couple to Couple League (we were looking for a Christian doctor who doesn’t perform abortions). He was a great professional, a Christian and a deep person; even today he is our close friend. During the ultrasound examination he was showing me each organ of the baby. Then he suddenly stopped when we could see a big circle in the baby’s belly. He said no more but arranged the next ultrasound in a week time with my husband. I felt anxious of what was happening. After the second examination it was confirmed by the other doctor that the digestive system of the baby was not developing normally, it pressed on the breathing system and the lungs were not developing. The child was badly damaged that the doctor couldn’t see the solution but to end the pregnancy. The Chief of the clinic confirmed that:

„the child has got the fetal defect incompatible with life”; the pregnancy is meaningless.

Neither for us nor for our doctor it wasn’t the right choice – we knew well, we couldn’t let our baby to be killed.  

So we started the ‘prayer fight’. Men in our fellowship took turns in fasting until the delivery. Many people prayed for us cause we were known thanks to our Christian service. We organized concerts and evangelizations across Slovakia and our son in my belly with us, wordlessly.

I spent two moths in the hospital in the diagnostic centre. The doctors kept asking me if I didn’t change my mind and didn’t want to finish the pregnancy. They spoke about our baby like it was a living corpse. Our doctor, who fought for us, earned disdain and ridicule, too. We were convinced that when we believed, God would make a miracle. I repeated in my mind the words of the Bible:

„neither wilt thou suffer thine Holy One to see corruption“.

We experienced a great peace in the prayer and I felt God being closer to me than ever. I was convinced that our Marinko would live. I succeeded to convince a big part of the gyneacology ward about that.

In the 36th week of pregnancy the child was still alive in me, so the doctors claimed the defect might not be that bad. They planned the delivery. I trusted God to make a miracle and I was looking forward to proclaim Him with my son holding in my arms in the Christian assemblies.

The delivery was long and difficult and when the baby’s heart was failing to work, I experienced a turn, like I was dropped from the God’s arms back to reality. Luckily he was born few minutes after. He looked like a tiny, defenseless kitten; mewling weakly, his small arms and legs were hanging lifelessly from the doctor’s hands. They immediately took him into CCU to the children’s hospital and I went to maternity ward among mums and babies. I was very sad, thinking of Marinko, how he is doing. I imagined myself to see him and to go to the rehabilitations and to win that fight together. My husband promised to go and see our baby first thing next day and then to come to me.

At 7 am the nurse told me that my husband came. I was surprised but happy he was there. I came out of the room and spotted him behind the glass door at the end of the corridor. He stood there with the hanging shoulder and unbearable pain in his eyes…I understood without words. We were just sitting there together when a nurse came, she hugged me saying:

„’’It was great that you delivered the baby. I appreciate it much.“

The doctor from CCU baptized our Marek Martin just before his death.  

After that we had incredibly hard time when we didn’t understand anything. We were convinced that he would live! The birth and death certificates, empty cot and toys, he would never play with, were all what was left after him. Every meeting with friends from the fellowship was about three new babies.

„And what about the 4th one?’’ I cried in my heart, ‘’I was supposed to push a pushchair too!“

Instead of breastfeeding I had to take pills to stop producing milk and my whole life was about crying – I cried hours and hours.

Instead of breastfeeding I had to take pills to stop producing milk and my whole life was about crying – I cried hours and hours. It was time of a big trial of our relationship with my husband. He was supporting me much but he got frustrated he didn’t know how to help me. So he closed himself and was far away from me. It took us long time to get over it. Other people couldn’t find a way to approach me either. Normally they pretended that nothing happened. Only my cousin Adrianka understood I sometimes need to talk about my son and how I am doing.

My core problem was – how can I trust God again?! How can I understand Him? What has happened? What we believed in before suddenly became not valid. We needed to reevaluate our faith from the foundation. Sometimes I thought like god was laughing straight into my face. I experienced a feeling of big injustice, solitude and disappointment. Later we realized we had tried to put God into a very small box of our expectations what He should do. We served Him and so we thought He was obliged to do what we wanted and needed. We had a ‘naïve and merchant’s faith’. Gradually we learnt that He is much greater than we can imagine. I lifted up my sight from lower things to higher ones, those beyond time and measures. I started to see bigger picture and understood that our short, temporary life is a part of something much greater. Trivialities of everyday life, which used to annoy me a lot before, weren’t so important to bother about. I learnt to give thanks for everything I had. Probably we won’t understand fully, why that has happened to us, but we will in heaven. Definitely! So I learnt to accept it and decided to trust God again. Though I can’t clearly see the end of the dark tunnel.

Gradually I wanted to say sorry to God. I felt like Job from the Bible – I shouted at God a lot and I treated Him unjustly. Now I know god hasn’t disappointed me. It was a fight against my pride and my feeling of ‘justice’. Instead of being dependent on God we wanted Him to be dependent.

Now, when the most of the pain is gone, we are privileged to have a baby, who intercedes for us in heaven. I am happy about that. I call my son ‘little big saint’ – well, he cast himself into the Father’s arms immediately. He was without the shame and prejudice about Him, never disappointing or offending Him. He never refused Him, coming before His face without a sin! It is a gift, which I think, we don’t understand fully. He came into heaven ahead of us. We are glad, God allowed him to be born and baptized, then to go home to Him.

I also understood we can accept the God’s promises in faith, expect them to come true, but we can’t necessitate them. And the Bible saying ‘neither wilt thou suffer thine Holy One to see corruption’ was new and clear for me: the corruption of the body is nothing in comparison with the corruption of the soul. And God didn’t allow our son to have corrupted soul… Marinko could come to God immaculate.

Now I see it was important for us to go through such a difficult trial of our faith, otherwise we wouldn’t become mature in spirit. I also know, the way God acts, is the best one. It is not just a phrase. It can hurt – but I accept it.

I went through the trial of the relationship with my best friend, who gave a birth to a daughter a day before Marek. I found it difficult to meet her after. Our friendship has been certified – thanks Adel!

I wished for a baby…I could become pregnant and I had problems with thyroid. After a never-ending year I found myself pregnant, but in the first trimester I had a miscarriage. That time my husband and me reached the point, when we fully accepted God’s will for us, without objection. We told Him when we can’t have children we will serve Him childless. What a surprise it was when I found myself pregnant in a month time. But there were some complications again. Our doctor said there is a little chance…I felt anxious. After nine months I gave a birth to a sound, viable, clever girl Dorotka. She brought great joy into our lives and partially healed the pain in our hearts.

When Dorotka was nearly one year old, I got sick, suffering from colic, I weighed approximately 48 kilograms. I went to have done Enteroclysis, which is a half an hour roentgen examination. I had to make the doctors sure I am not pregnant again. Suddenly one doctor was passing by, saying hello as to a friend from the neighborhood. Then he didn’t recommend me that examination because I was still breastfeeding. I said thank you and I recognized his name on the business card as a husband of my friend Renata. So I didn’t have that examination done. After 2 weeks we found out I was in the second month of pregnancy…God took action, he sent that man to save the life of our baby. That doctor listened to a gentle voice of the Spirit and stopped by me. That baby is our cheerful, humorous Alzbetka.

Our girls make us very happy. We pray for them, so they have a joyful spirit, desire and optimism in life, so they may be led by the Holy Spirit and listen to Him. I don’t demand anymore. I think I am extremely blessed woman. After our son’s death I couldn’t imagine myself to be happy anymore. Now I know the pain is just temporary and man can bear a lot with God’s help. I wouldn’t change my life with anybody. I have got a slightly different view at it.

I must go now to see my little 5 months old Barborka, she has woken up. Our son has arranged three sisters. For now...