My story

Married, mother of 2 children. She is with God, forever.

Maca

When Maca realized she had a brain tumour, she braced all her energies and started to fight; she equipped herself with optimism and began to look for some footings. She wasn’t a believer. Not because she didn’t want to, but because she was born in a nonbeliever family. Somebody “sent” her to a successful healer. He told her that everything was going to be all right, that her tumour will disappear, that she will live. Of course, she relied on him. My husband (a doctor) was in touch with Maca’s neurosurgeon; so I was being gradually informed about the results of her exams – and I knew that the prognosis of her disease were bad. I cried. I very often cried even months before her family; what a storm inside me. I could not believe it. Why was God allowing it? Her daughter, Hanka, had just turned six one month ago... Her son, Miško, will turn five in a couple of weeks. Together with my husband we thought: maybe it’s time to tell Maca about God. Once I gave her some timid hints about God when we were talking about her healer; I told her that it was time to rely on God. She probably wasn’t strong enough to do it; her healer was much more visible, tangible, and concrete. I had by direct experience with an oncologic disease. I had cancer. I know that in those moments we lean on everyone and everything we hear or see. God’s love for Maca was immeasurable. She chose her among us all. She was her beloved daughter... A couple of weeks later, her young successful healer died in a car accident. Who knows how many people he led away from God through his encouragements and orientation towards his own strengths – “...unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed...” Short time after Miško’s birthday – according to the results of the latest medical exams – we found out that nobody ever survived longer than 3 years with this kind of tumour. I consoled Maca and also myself by saying that nothing is impossible with God. According to specific literature nobody ever survived longer than a couple of months with the type of tumour I had (since than 19 years have passed). My healing meant hope and light for Maca.

Operation The doctors decided to operate. Due to a series of complications Maca had to wait almost a month in the hospital. It was October 2009 when they decided that she had to undergo a surgical operation; we – her friends, almost seven families – agreed that we will pray the Holy Rosary every day for Maca and her family. At that time I was obliged to spend most of my time at bed because of my risky pregnancy; so I was in touch with Maca only by phone. I think I told her three times that we pray the Rosary for her. After the third time she asked me what the Rosary is and how to pray it... Her roommate was a believer. One Wednesday night, at ten o’clock or so, she called me: “I just prayed the Rosary for the first time in my life”. Later on, we had some occasional conversation about the Holy Confession and about the possibility of seeing a priest. She once told me that she wished to talk with a priest before undergoing the operation – though she added that she didn’t want to get confessed. I called a spiritual father and I explained him the situation (just talking – no confession). He was going to visit her on Tuesday. On that day we all prayed for her from the morning; men also fasted. Early in the evening the spiritual father called me: “As I entered the room, Maca had just ended her preparation for Holy Confession. After several years, she had confession.” (Maca had received the sacraments because of church wedding).The operation was very challenging; it lasted 10 hours (for about 3 hours Maca was conscious). On that day we prayed for her and fasted in a particularly intensive way. Guys ate just bread and water. The results of the operation were relatively good (no immediate consequences), apart from the fact that the tumour was so overgrown that it was not possible to remove it - oligodendroglioma III, with signs of 4 th grade. After the operation Maca chose chemotherapies, radiotherapy (parents from our kindergarten took turns and every day a different person brought her to radiation treatments. Maca could not drive; she had an epileptic shock as a consequence of her diagnose).Maca’s conditions were stabilized and I started to believe in a miracle.

Conversion

In December – a couple of weeks after the operation – Lucka invited Cyril and Mária to pray for Maca and over Maca. Maca welcome them. Then a miracle occurred. Maca told me that God appeared to her. She gave God all her life. Suddenly, Maca showed such a wonderful faith, that I felt I was a tepid occasional Christian. Once she came to see me for some talks about current Gospel reading. Then I realized that after the birth of our third baby I had abandoned daily Scripture reading. Maca led me to start doing it again...

Our faith

In April 2010, another friend of ours fell ill with an oncologic disease – one father from the kindergarten named Janko. So Dano proposed to meet every Tuesday and Friday to pray the Rosary for our ill friends (we also have another ill mum from the kindergarten who has leukaemia – she has undergone two-year long therapies and was now preparing to bone marrow transplantation). I rejected the idea of Rosary evening meetings; we do pray – the family pray at home every night. Why then split ourselves for praying? Almost everybody tried to explain me that those prayers have great significance, because they never prayed the Rosary at home. “O God”, I said to myself, “did we really have to see so much suffering in order to have our faith shaken from its base? We are so sweetly happy with our faith...” Nevertheless, I did not join prayer meetings from the very beginning. Only a few days later... Maca stopped talking. The tumour started to dramatically grow in the language centre and rapidly spread out. I remember that Maca was suddenly not able to say what she wanted. Only one week before this we were studying German together. I asked her to write it down. She realized that she could not even write. We fought, we tried hard, I asked her, she tried to utter a word, time and again... we cried together, but we also laughed when for example I completely misunderstood what she meant; inside myself I was more and more “reproaching” God because of that. My husband explained me how the whole situation is going to be like; my faith was shaken to its very core. He told me that it looked awful and that it will rapidly evolve. All of a sudden, I stopped thinking that God is love. For the first time in my life I was not able to understand the meaning of the cross, of the crucified Christ. Actually I could not even look at Him. God allowed killing of His Son... It seemed to me so cruel. I didn’t understand Him. And I also thought that it is cruel to leave two little children without her mum. Through my rationality and my faith I knew that God has a much more magnificent plan in this situation, but I was not able to accept it through my internal emotions. My husband told me: “look, we are going to turn forty. Do you think we have been here for long time? We have known each other for about 20 years, but it looks as though we met yesterday. Even if we stay here one year, two, three, five or thirty years longer than Maca, what does it mean? Time goes by so fast that we don’t even notice it...”

One year after the diagnose

Maca started her therapy and her conditions were stabilized. She had good time during summer holidays together with her children and her husband; they were under the Tatra Mountains, where her mum is from. In summer we went to Medjugorje. Here God showed me something sad, though at the same time hopeful. We’ll have to wait for a while. And then we will be back together in Heaven, forever and ever. On 2 September 2010 Maca lost the use of her legs. She fainted. An ambulance took her to the hospital. She wrote me a weirdly formulated SMS; I understood she had once again expressive aphasia (she lost the ability to express herself). I started to visit her in the hospital. First we drank coffee on the balcony; on the next day she wasn’t even able to get to the balcony or to the toilet. She ate in bed. They had to attend her. A couple of days later (on Sunday) they put her on a wheel-chair and we went together to the Holy Mass. On Monday I helped her sit down and she ate enough food. She had such an appetite that I started once again to believe in a miracle... She spoke worse and worse, though we managed to understand each other. She told me that she really wished to write a long letter to Laco (her husband), but she doesn’t manage to. She didn’t even manage to dictate it... On Wednesday her appetite was no longer the same as before. I wasn’t even able to help her take a seat. Each single mouthful was a big burden for her. I got back home at around six o’clock in the evening and we finally went out to buy a new fridge, because the old one was out of order. My family was waiting for me all day long; we put our three children in the car and got started. In one of the cars before us I recognized our former parson, father Branislav. I called him. He asked me how I was going and I immediately started to tell him about Maca. I asked him to be so kind and go and confess her tomorrow. He replied: “Renáta, let’s go now.” I didn’t feel like it. We had decaying food on our balcony, all our children were already in the car, and we needed to buy that fridge. I asked my husband and he said: “In my opinion, according to the situation you described, just go now.” So our car and father Branislav’s car stopped at the closest fuel station; I jumped in father Branislav’s car; I left my husband with the kids and I went to the hospital together with father Branislav. Maca was almost unable to speak. With the help of father Branislav she had confession as well as the Holy Eucharist and the Extreme Unction. It was the 15th of September, the Feast of the Seven Sorrows of the Blessed Virgin Mary. The next day I visited Maca at lunch time; the only way for communicating was gripping her hand. I fed her. She had some soup. She couldn’t eat the main dish... I went back to see her in the evening. She showed no reaction. I thought she was sleeping; so I cried to her. I put some water over her mouth, but she didn’t react... Her breathing was regular, her face was neat, but she didn’t react. On that day father Branislav came back again, but Maca was not able to have the Holy Communion. Wednesday, September 15th, was the last day she was able to have confession and the Holy Communion. I think that father Branislav and my husband had a providential role; they listened to God’s voice and hurried up to Maca’s room still on that Wednesday. It fulfilled me with immense awe towards God, but also towards Maca; God loved her so much that He called her... And He so marvellously prepared her for Heaven. For me it was a sign from the Highest – the sacraments are not an invention of some churches... They are not just optional practices that aren’t really indispensable in our lives. I understood that the sacraments are very important before God. God organized everything so perfectly and prepared Maca for Heaven. Since that moment I (we) only prayed at Maca’s side. We caressed and kissed her. I had the impression that she did not even perceive our presence (coma?); then I whispered in her ear that God loves her so much, that she was chosen by God and must not be afraid – God will take care of Laco, Hanka, and Miško. When I said that, Maca breathed faster. I’m sure she perceived everything. I think she really suffered, because she was certainly conscious that she was going to leave her beloved husband, her wonderful kids, all her dears... But she wasn’t able to tell them anything... She couldn’t say good bye. In two occasions I even noticed she had dried tears on her eyes... On Saturday I visited Maca together with a common friend of ours from church. I asked her if she will pray the glorious mysteries of the Holy Rosary with me. She told me she didn’t know how to pray the Rosary. Actually, I also prayed for the first time the Rosary to the Divine Mercy sitting at Maca’s bedside. I asked myself: “O God, Maca had to die, so that we – Christians who are proud of ourselves and happy with our own apparently exemplary faith – will finally turn back to You, the Living and True God?” On that day Maca’s breathing got worse; she breathed in three times, then she breathed out, and then nothing at all for about 15 seconds. That’s why in the evening I remained at her bedside together with her husband. Laco held her hand and I prayed. We also were with her on Sunday. She breathed in and then out only twice, and then a long pause.... Laco was at Maca’s bedside once again on Sunday evening together with Peter – and they prayed together. Maca went to Heaven on Monday, 20 September 2010, at 5:30 a.m. She would have turned 33 in one month and one day.

Farewell

Till the last moment I had the hope that God can stop it, change it, turn it, and make a miracle. I said to myself: “We are already converted; so You can leave Maca, O Lord, please, just do that...”At funeral mass they read the passage of the Gospel about the resurrection of Lazarus. I heard: “Lazarus, come forth! And he that was dead came forth.” And I imagined Maca standing up and then sitting... The reading of the Gospel went on till the end: “Loose him, and let him go.” (John 11: 43, 44) Maca, I loosen the bonds by means of which I keep you here. I’ll let you go. Go, please, straight to Heaven. It is undoubtedly prepared for you. And intercede for us. The story of Maca, seen through the eyes of ^{Renáta Ocilková}