My story

Member of Comunity of beatitudes.

My searching of God or my looking for fullness of life and happiness is still in process. While I am writing this – I do not think I have run to the finish already - I am still in this process of searching for it.

However, there was a point that had changed the direction of my life.

I was brought up in a Christian but not complete family. I lived with mother who sincerely trusted to God - her faith was alive and reflecting in a real life. She wasn’t a fanatic - on the contrary - her attitudes were very rational. She was strict but full of love. In spite of that I wanted to leave our house very soon. I was looking for ideals, for something that goes beyond the mundane life, something that was worthy to fight for.

In order to study at secondary school I had to live in a school dormitory in the capital (Bratislava, SK). It was the period of Communism when we were told everything: what to do, what to think, what we shall like, etc. and there was always my inner rebel who wanted to know what is beyond, what to fight for – simply I was an idealist (or a naive) - and an extremist at the same time. I was active in every possible activity available in Bratislava. There were discos that were not suitable for me, unofficial literature that attracted me, etc.

But I was also interested very much in the communist ideals as in something that surpassed the ordinary life. So I became a member of a communist party – because I was convinced and I wanted it. And in spite of the fact I went to church and believed in God. I did not feel it as a contradiction.

Communist ideals seemed to be the same as Christian ideals. I lived to the full, I participated in many activities and I read Lenin & Marx’s books. When I did not understand something I wrote to Moscow.

Today I am thankful to all, namely to my mother who was with me, who did not understand me at all – but silently remained with me.

In this idealist enthusiasm I applied to study politics at a university. The idea of receiving special favours (such a common thing at that time) did not even come into my mind, I was such an honest communist. When they refused to accept me at university – I reacted on my own: I wrote to the President, to the Communist Committee, etc.…and the result was that I could enrol into two different faculties. Here came my first hesitation. I started to study at the faculty of Automatic Control Devices, not at the one of Political economy. I achieved what I wanted.

But things started to change – during my university studies I understood that the communist party was basically for all just a springboard for a wonderful career and that the main aim of each communist party’s meeting was to repress religion. Moreover, at that time my mom had diagnosed cancer – so I suddenly found myself at the crossroads of life. And to make it even more interesting – I broke my leg when I was participating on my first political activity… Mom was in the hospital, the party machinery was also far away and I remained alone.

Eventually, I started to think about the source of anxiety and restlessness in my heart. What shall I do to find peace? What was the root of my turbulences?

At that time I got a book “Filotea (a guidance for a religious/pious life)” from St. Francis de Sales. I liked it and as I read it – I felt peace, joy and longing for God. It was a completely new and wonderful experience for me. All of a sudden I understood that I am to decide between the service to God or to a political party or - my starting career… Thanks to Gods Mercy I had decided for Him, what in reality meant I returned back the partial membership card and resigned the membership. During the period of normalisation (1960-70s) it was not an easy decision

– and the consequences were tough: immediately I had to leave the university, I was interviewed at the police office and persecuted; I had no chance to find a better job, I even could not travel abroad. However - after many years I can give evidence that God’s Mercy was always with me and He never forsaken me.

My decision for the Lord had had many repeats, but in all I learned one thing: if a person honestly searches God – finally will come to Him, because He is not hiding to us. He is going to meet us